33 Short Squibs about Dom/sub (that will piss off people)

Love in BDSM

There can be love in a BDSM relationship, even in a BDSM tryst or “session” or encounter. The Old Guard is very uncomfortable with this, but their discomfort stems from their misunderstanding of the word “love.” I have heard, from Doms, “Slaves often fall in love with me, but I don’t with them, for many reasons. One is that I need to discipline them, and love gets in the way of that.” The obvious response to this is that good discipline stems from deep and profound love. The pain and discomfort of discipline, even when it lights up the Dom’s sadism circuits, is loving touch. Of course, the pain and discomfort that happens in a sadistic sex act that ends up with the recipient dead or injured doesn’t figure into this. But the BTK killer’s sadistic administration of pain and terror is not discipline.

Communication Methods

Learn to use the appropriate communication methods. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve suggested to someone that we take our conversation off a Web site and move to Telegram or Signal or Wickr, and I’ve been rebuffed by the nonsensical “I don’t have Telegram” or “I don’t have Signal.” They’re free applications. They run on laptop and desktop computers, even, though they do require you to have a cell phone number. And, if you set up your account properly, on Telegram not even your phone number shows up to anyone. (Not the case with Signal, which displays your phone number. But yes with Wickr.) Signal encrypts every message from end to end, and Telegram can be set to do so. The administration of these applications cannot see your communications, ever, and they can’t keep records of them ready to turn over to any authorities. But this is not the case on Web sites, where the sites maintain a record of your communications, let alone traditional SMS text messaging via your cell provider. The cell providers keep a record of all your texts. They must do this; the government makes them do it. One look at recent criminal cases shows, again and again, prosecutors’ use of text messaging to help convict defendants. The cell phone records can be subpoenaed by parties in a civil lawsuit, as well. Email will work, if you know how to encrypt your emails, and not many people do. Bonuses for Telegram and Signal is that you can quickly send large quantities of data, such as photos and GIFS and even longer videos. This is much harder to do via email or via the chat function on some Web site.

Don’t Be Low-Effort

Related to the above: Don’t be a low-effort communicator. If you hit up someone with “sup,” I think I understand why you behave so rudely. You are predicting that you will be rejected, so you don’t want to put much of any thought, heart, or effort into your self-introduction. But when you say “sup,” it’s like calling someone up and saying, “I will allow you to speak to me now.” Compliment the person—“nice profile,” or “you’re hot,” or “I couldn’t not praise the cleverness in your write up.” If the person says he wants to suck cock, and you want your cock sucked, then, instead of “sup,” maybe just say the obvious “You can suck my cock!” Don’t answer questions tersely and then not question the other person. Look at the text interchange. If his texts are longer and more revealing than yours, you need to put more effort in.

Know What You Want

Look for people who can say what they want or what they think they want.

Develop Cross-Role Skills

If you’re a sub, develop at least one Dom skill, and if you’re Dom, develop at least one sub skill. You don’t have to like using these skills, but often, others who understand your primary motivation will be overjoyed that you can switch using this one skill, even if it’s very uncommon that you do so.

Be Clear About Disinterest

Don’t assume that people know why you’re not talking to them. If someone hits you up and you’re not interested, take a moment to type, “Thanks, but it’s not a match” or “Sorry not interested” rather than not responding, or, even worse, not responding and then blocking. Doing this doesn’t just make you well-mannered; it will benefit you in the long run. The BDSM community is small and your reputation as a decent and polite person will spread.

BDSM Is Work

This is a note especially for submissive bottoms. Remember that BDSM is work—fun work, but work. Walking into the room and throwing yourself down and saying, “Do what you will!” chills the desire of a Dom to work you over. Speak. Suggest. Grovel. Offer to perform service. Banish from your mind the idea that you can become a brainwashed, unthinking rag doll whom your Dom can abuse and puppeteer to his heart’s content. That’s a very common trope in fantasy, now, but it just doesn’t work like that in real life.

Don’t Yuck Someone’s Yum

Don’t yuck someone else’s yum. If you don’t know what this means, Google it.

Use the Internet to Learn

Speaking of Googling, use the power of the Internet to learn more about Dom/sub. But I’m not referring to pornography, at least not exclusively. Read stories in the “Authoritarian” section of Nifty.org. Chat about Dom/sub on Recon or CollarSpace (but not on r/bdsmadvice, which is the newest subreddit and seems to be a place created by some school-marmy types whose moderators do not want advice posted by any of those outside of their cabal. The creation of this subreddit 5 years after both r/bdsm and r/bdsmcommunity indicates this desire of its creators to control their own r/bdsmAdvice space. Compared to r/bdsm and r/BDSMcommunity, each of which is at least five years older than r/bdsmAdvice, are fine.)

Drug Use

If you have to use hard party drugs, like meth or GHB or alcohol to the point of incoherence, to engage in BDSM play, then this is unhealthy. We are not against responsible partying and understand feeling afraid or nervous and wanting to use a drug to help with their inhibitions, but there are things you can do, many of them listed in this article, to feel and be safer.

Security Considerations

On the topic of security, we’ll write at length on this soon, but don’t make meeting in a public place your litmus test. You can meet in a public place and still fail to get a first and last name and face picture. Meeting in a bar, while waiting, you are likely to be drinking and open to risk in this way. The best indicia of safety are when they give you their name, and are willing to have a conversation (or negotiation), during which safe words and limits are discussed, about the play ahead of time.

Know Your Kinks

Know what you mean when you call yourself kinky, because you’ll be looking for people who share your kinks. Think about what you fantasize about. Think about other people’s fantasies you’ve heard, but don’t find interesting or arousing. If this introspection truly does not help you figure out your kinks—take the questionnaire at bdsmtest.org. (Taking the BDSMtest is a good idea for anyone.) Know that there are people who consider themselves kinky who have one interest, choking during fucking for example, and are fundamentally unable to feel satisfied with play that does not include this one interest. Be on the lookout for this—if you really like breathplay, then the breathplay enthusiast is a match, but if you want to do more than just breathplay, then you need someone other than this one-trick pony.

Beware Fake Findoms

Recently, as findom has become more prevalent, a number of hustlers and hustler types have entered the field, calling themselves kinky and promising to deliver on every interest you put forth “but I need you to send me $200 in tribute before we talk any further.” These people are not true findoms, and are not necessarily kinky. They’ll have very hot pictures, they’ll listen to you describe your kink cravings, they’ll say things to make you believe that they can really satisfy those cravings, but they’ll take your money and either disappear immediately or continue to string you along in hopes of receiving more tribute. Sometimes they’ll show you an Amazon wish list and ask you to buy them something on this list—that’s a tactic to avoid prosecution because they can always claim that you only gave gifts, not money. Whatever form it takes, we find this tactic, of requiring you to pony up before they will make concrete plans, very destructive. What does it destroy? It sows distrust in conversation and in language as a means of making a connection. It also destroys legitimate findom, which really should only be practiced by experts. It’s as if these hustlers are flashing a fake ID to get into the kink party. Once they’re at the party, as imposters, the fake ID tactic destroys the faith we can have in one another as a community. If you want to hire a professional dom (prodom) or escort, fine! At least proDoms and escorts state their fees and the actual catalog of their services up front.